


Not in the Book

by fardareismai



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Once Upon a Time (TV), Sherlock (TV)
Genre: CS crack, DW crack, F/M, Gen, crossover crack, pure unadulturated crack, sherlock crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-16 21:34:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8118349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fardareismai/pseuds/fardareismai
Summary: "You're not supposed to be here," the Doctor said, glaring at the people standing around his console. "You're all bloody fictional and absolutely do not belong on my TARDIS."
Alternative title: Wheel was supposed to be working, but threw some of her favorite characters together to argue instead





	

**Author's Note:**

> **In yet another episode of "Wheel gets distracted from the main story she's writing" we have this... thing.**
> 
> **It's crack. It's silly. It's Once Upon a Time, Sherlock, and Doctor Who. Don't read it.**

"You're not supposed to be here," the Doctor said, glaring at the people standing around his console. "You're all bloody fictional and absolutely do not belong on my TARDIS."

"For a man with a vessel that makes even less sense than the average car, that's a bit rich," the man dressed in old-fashioned leather with a silver hook rather than a left hand said, looking around the oversized console room with curiosity and slight amusement.

"Sense? Not one iota of this makes sense! A room this size cannot fit into a box scarcely two meters square." This was the curly-haired man, tall and lean and wearing a long dark coat who looked even more upset by the proceedings than the Doctor.

"It can if it's dimensionally transcendental," the Doctor said, pugnaciously.

"Dimension? Is that like a different realm?" the leather-clad man asked, sounding interested.

"How, precisely, would one transcend dimensions? It's not possible!"

"Mermaids do it all the time, Mate."

"Oh, I know this one!" Rose said, grinning from the jumpseat where she and the blonde companions of their two visitors had retreated from the argument. "Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow!"

"That doesn't _mean_ anything!" the frustrated man in the long coat said.

Rose shrugged.

"Erm," the blonde man who had accompanied the visitor in modern dress said, catching everyone's attention. "You seem to be quite certain that you know who we all are," he said to the Doctor in a more polite tone than his friend had been using. "I'm afraid that doesn't really go for everyone here. Care to clarify?"

The Doctor indicated between the man in the long coat and scarf and the man sitting on the pilot's bench. "Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, fictional creations of Sir. Arthur Conan Doyle in the late 19th century."

"John Watson?" Rose asked, looking at the man sitting beside her. "Really?"

"Erm… yeah. So you have heard of me… us?" John said, surprised.

"Sure have," the other blonde woman said, looking surprised. "I'm actually half-surprised I haven't met you before, considering. You're younger than I expected."

"Since you're such a clever lass, let's see if you know who I am," the man in leather came to stand in front of Rose, hip-shot and grinning at her in a way that made the Doctor glare. "No hints now, Swan."

Rose glanced at the woman sitting to her right who rolled her eyes.

"He's harmless. All bark and no bite," she assured Rose.

"I'll bite if you ask nicely," the man said, showing a set of very nice teeth in a wide grin.

It was Rose's turn to roll her eyes.

"Good thing Jack isn't here," she muttered. "If he's Captain Innuendo, I think we've met his First Lieutenant."

The other girl hooted with laughter.

"Get that!" she cried. "This ship already has a Captain! You've been demoted!"

The man glared at her. "Nearly three-hundred years as the scourge of the high seas, if anyone's Captain Innuendo around here, it's me."

"Oh!" Rose said, eyes going wide. "It's a _pirate_ getup you're wearing." She turned to the girl beside her, mischief lighting her eyes. "All that leather, I figured he was a specialty sex worker."

The other girl practically fell off her seat laughing.

"Come now, Lass, have pity. Dashing rapscallion? Scourge of the seven seas? And there's this," he continued, holding up his hook. "Surely you've heard of me?"

Rose gave him an innocent look that fooled no one. "Long-John Silver?" she suggested.

The man sighed and turned to where the Doctor was standing, arms crossed over his chest, scowling at the frivolous silliness occurring on his ship. The pirate gestured to the Doctor.

"Go on then," he said. "You know you want to."

"Captain Hook, product of the mind of J. M. Barrie."

"Right you are," Hook said, then nudged Sherlock with an elbow, "not that Master Barrie got it particularly right in my case. Any idea if this Doyle fellow had you correct then?"

Sherlock said nothing, only glared.

"If he's Captain Hook," John said, leaning around to speak to the woman on the other end of the jumpseat, "does that make you Tinkerbelle then?"

"As though Tinkerbelle would be caught dead with him," the girl said, shaking her head. "Those two can hardly be in the same room without devolving into a screaming fight. No, I'm just Emma Swan."

"I've never heard of you," John said.

Emma shrugged. "I'm not in the book."

"What about you two then," Sherlock spoke up again. "You seem to know a great deal about us, but who are you."

"Rose Tyler," Rose piped up cheerily. "Jericho Street under-sevens gymnastics bronze medalist, and not a Disney princess. I did dress as Belle for Halloween one year though."

"Good choice," Emma said. "She's a sweetheart."

"With odd taste in men," Hook added.

Sherlock ignored this and turned to the Doctor. "And you?"

"I'm the Doctor."

Rose snorted. He always said that as though it meant anything to anyone, and about 90% of the time it didn't. The other 10% meant they were about to be running as he'd insulted the people they were talking to in some previous life.

True to form, Sherlock just glared. "I've never heard of you."

The Doctor shrugged. "That's because I'm real and you aren't."

"Rude, Doctor," Rose said, quellingly.

"What am I supposed to be doing with fairy tale pirates and fictional detectives on my ship? How did they get in, anyway?"

"Pushed on the door that said pull," Hook said, pointing at the TARDIS doors with a thumb.

"Well it _pulls_ from this side," the Doctor said, pointing. "Out with you, unless you'd prefer to be tossed out an airlock in the Vortex."

"Well that's hardly hospitable-"

"OUT!" the Doctor roared, making everyone jump.

"Quite right," Hook said, straightening his shoulders. "Swan? Your carriage awaits."

"Hold on actually, Emma," Rose said, grabbing her arm as she passed. "Have you got a mobile?"

"A cell phone? Yeah." Emma pulled it from her pocket.

"And you, John, you've got a mobile?"

John produced his phone without a word.

"Here, give me your numbers, and I'll give you mine. I think..." Rose glanced up at the strange, dark-haired, blue-eyed, clever, impossible men the three of them were oddly bound to, "I think we might have a lot to talk about."


End file.
